I have discovered that my dating anecdotes have the ability to baffle people. I spend a fair amount of time on social media, specifically YouTube, and partly because of this, I have the sense that I am not alone in my experiences. The internet and real life however are two different things so therefore when I talk about one of my latest dating adventures, people in real life are like “Wait, what?” Enter Xmas Bae (I call him XMAS bae because there was nothing Christ-like about him).

It was 2 am on Christmas morning 2021 and we were doing the tipsy chitchat before leaving the club (as you do) when suddenly I heard someone say something that only a South African would know. Turns out we’re both South African. Interesting.

A Discreet Relationship

There seems to be a running theme in my interactions with the opposite sex. I have super romantic situations in small doses. At least, situations that I consider super romantic, and Christmas 2021 were no different. Xmas Bae and I talked all morning, we talked until I had to go to work at 11 am. And there’s nothing more romantic than the “we talked all night” night.
He explained that he was looking for a relationship that was discreet. Far in the distance, an alarm bell rang but since we were having a moment straight out of a scene from a Netflix romcom, I let it slide.

Xmas Bae and I spent a few weeks hanging out and before I get to the tea, I will highlight that he’s a smart guy, able to make conversation with most people, and a hardworking freelancer. He was making his own way in a tough country amongst stiff competition in his industry. He was also very proud of the fact that he was permanently banned from Twitter because of a borderline homophobic tweet. Weird flex, but ok.

The Red Pill

For the uninitiated, the term “red pill” comes from the movie The Matrix. The main character was given the choice of either the blue pill; he could stay in the Matrix blissfully unaware of what was really going on or he could take the red pill and learn the truth about reality.

The “reality” in this case is that men are losing their manhood and becoming increasingly soft because of the “evil woman.”

One of the activities Xmas Bae and I indulged in was showing each other who we follow on YouTube while listening to his neo-soul playlist. I follow a fair number of reaction/commentary YouTube channels which means my algorithm is basically YouTubers reacting to red pill content. Xmas Bae and I were over there laughing at the absurdity of the talking points of these weird men.

Back then, the image I had of red pill men was of weird guys crafting long Reddit posts lamenting the fact that all women focus on is a man’s money. The other image I had was these podcasters inviting a group of (frankly inexperienced) women onto the show and asking them questions designed to make women look stupid.

The rational part of me knew that these men existed in real life but the irrational part of me never imagined that I would ever meet one. So, imagine my surprise when Xmas Bae started to passionately express his feelings on how single mothers don’t deserve to be happy because they “knew what they were getting themselves into” when they “decided to be single parents”. He was also very steadfast and vocal about his decision to marry a “non-Westernized black woman” because Westernized women have too many demands while bringing almost nothing to that famous “table”. Remember that alarm? It got a bit louder.

Pandering to Women?

After a few days of sporadic communication (because, you know “I’m busy”) I decided to challenge Xmas Bae. A simple “what’s going on” message turned into a WhatsApp essay about how his dating life improved since he no longer pandered to women. So, replying to a message in a timely manner was pandering? Who knew?

Xmas Bae then went full red pill and started talking about how “soft” men were (not the exact word he used) and in the end, women are the ones who will suffer because men are no longer hitting on them.

To say that I was perplexed is an understatement. Needless to say, things fizzled out between us. The end of yet another situationship; I wasn’t sad to see this one go though.

I had fallen into the “not all men are the same” trap and ignored the warning signs when they appeared, and I was really beating myself up about not being more discerning.

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My friend and confidant (a man) said something along the lines of “You mustn’t let people fool you into this whole ‘not all men are the same’ because in all sincerity we as men take no accountability”. And just like that, I forgave myself.