Relationship OCD: When Technology Comes Between Us

In the digital age, intimacy often unfolds through screens, particularly for couples that are separated by distance. Location-sharing apps, instant messaging and social media promise connection – a way to bridge the physical divide. But at a deeper level, these technologies can also unravel trust and magnify vulnerabilities and insecurities – especially for individuals who are grappling with Relationship OCD (ROCD).

For those navigating long-distance relationships, technology can be both a saviour and a saboteur. According to Dr Dana Jammal from Thrive Wellbeing Centre, these digital mediums can open portals to new vulnerabilities: noticing whose posts your partner liked, watching their ‘online now’ status without receiving an instant reply or tracking their location updates compulsively can turn these tools for connection into triggers for insecurity.

What is Relationship OCD?

HCPC Registered Integrative Counselling Psychologist

Relationship OCD is a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder characterised by intrusive doubts about your relationship or partner, even in the absence of real issues (e.g. does my partner really love me? Is our relationship as good as others on social media? Why don’t I feel as excited in this relationship?). These persistent, distressing thoughts lead to compulsive behaviours, like seeking constant reassurance and validation, over analysing interactions, or comparing your relationship to others.

While such behaviours aim to soothe anxiety, they often intensify it over time, breeding more uncertainty. Unlike occasional, manageable worries, Relationship OCD involves repetitive doubts that feel all-consuming and difficult to dismiss, disrupting daily life and emotional connection, and making trust – a foundation of healthy relationships – especially fragile.

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The Need for Reassurance

Yet, even for individuals without Relationship OCD, the ever-present digital tether can create significant challenges. The urge to monitor our partner’s online behaviour often stems from a need for reassurance, yet these actions can undermine trust, as relying on digital cues tends to deepen insecurities and fuel cycles of suspicion. Technology encourages the need for immediacy – instant responses, constant updates – but love often thrives in patience, trust, and space.

Research has shown that couples who heavily rely on digital communication often experience lower relationship satisfaction, greater anxiety, and increased jealousy. In contrast, those who set clear boundaries around technology report stronger relationship security, trust, and emotional well-being, highlighting the importance of mindful technology use.

Steps You Can Take to Navigate Digital Communication Complexities

Below are some practical steps suggested by Dr Dana that couples can take to navigate the complexities of digital communication, particularly in long-distance relationships:

Set boundaries around technology use: Instead of relying on constant texting, carve out designated times to connect. For example, set aside an hour each evening for a video call to create space for meaningful connection.
Be transparent and open: If you’re feeling anxious about something, share it with your partner openly rather than letting doubts fester and grow. This can help clear any misunderstandings and prevent small concerns from snowballing.
Focus on quality communication, not quantity: Avoid getting caught up in how quickly your partner responds or in message frequency. Instead, focus on engaging in more meaningful communication – this reduces the need to seek reassurance from notifications.
Practice self-soothing as a way to manage relationship anxiety, reduce emotional reactivity, and prevent compulsive behaviours. For example, deep breathing can help calm your mind when intrusive doubts begin to spiral. Try the 4-7-8 technique: Breathe in for four counts, hold for 7, and breathe out for 8.
Use the 20-second rule for impulse control: When you feel an impulse rising – such as the urge to check your partner’s social media – pause and count to 20. This brief delay engages the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for decision-making and impulse control, allowing you to reflect on whether acting on the impulse aligns with your values, thus helping to reduce impulsive behaviours.
Prioritise trust-building activities: Engage in activities that actively build trust, even from afar. These might include conversations about future plans, setting shared goals or scheduling virtual dinner dates. These experiences can create a sense of shared purpose and emotional closeness.
Seek support if needed: For individuals struggling with Relationship OCD or chronic anxiety, therapy approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help address underlying patterns and foster healthier dynamics.